Thundertalk: Episode 42: “Creatures In The Cul-De-Sac. Urban Cryptids and the Fight For Dominance.”
Thundertalk: EPISODE 42: “Creatures in the Cul-de-Sac: Urban Cryptids & The Fight for Dominance”
[Intro: Guitars shredded by actual wolves, thunderclaps, a bald eagle lands on a grill]
JOGAN (calm but pumped):
“Welcome to Thundertalk, the only podcast where truth deadlifts lies in the squat rack of reality. I’m Jogan, full alpha awareness, joined today by two men who probably shouldn’t be in the same room but here we are.”
JOGAN:
“First, back by unpopular demand, urban cryptid tracker, fear-hyperventilator, and surprisingly decent barista: Deek McKinney.”
DEEK (nervous):
“Hi…uh…hi. It’s great to be here. I brought a folder. It’s laminated. I didn’t sleep.”
JOGAN:
“Yeah, we can smell that. And also joining us: war-painted, shirtless, and wearing a holster made of elk antlers, Wilkins ‘Dronk’ Dronkowski.”
DRONK (howling):
“THUNDERFANGS, JOGAN! I JUST ATE A RACCOON-STEAK OMELET AND SHOT A CROSSBOW INTO A PANERA!”
JOGAN (grinning):
“And that was just his morning commute. Dronk’s here to bring primal insight, feral commentary, and emergency jerky. Deek’s here because he knows things we don’t. Let’s talk urban cryptids.”
JOGAN (leaning in):
“Deek. Why now? Why are these things crawling out from the alleys of America?”
DEEK (quickly):
“Urbanization. Climate stress. Noise pollution. And, in some cases, free Wi-Fi. Cryptids are adapting. They’ve left the woods. They’ve gone… municipal.”
JOGAN:
“Give us a sighting.”
DEEK:
“Mesa, Arizona. A creature called the Canal Mucker. Part salamander, part trucker. Lives in a drainage canal. Only comes out when someone drops a Monster energy can into the water.”
DRONK (yelling):
“I DRANK A MONSTER IN THAT VERY CANAL IN ‘09! I COULD BE ITS DAD.”
JOGAN (pointing):
“See, this is why we bring Dronk. He’s like if a lumberjack had a podcast and no legal representation. Deek, what else?”
DEEK:
“The Gutterwolf of Gainesville. Half raccoon, half werewolf, all frat energy. Lives off Natty Light and tossed crusts. Yells ‘BRUH!’ before disappearing into a sewer grate.”
DRONK:
“Sounds like freedom to me.”
JOGAN (nods):
“That’s the thing, these aren’t just monsters. These are lifestyle choices. These are philosophies with fur.”
[SPONSOR BREAK]
JOGAN (cool):
“This episode is brought to you by Meat Fog, the only vape that delivers 25 grams of brisket protein per rip.”
DRONK (yelling from off mic):
“I VAPED A PORKCHOP!”
DEEK (genuinely concerned):
“…is that legal?”
JOGAN (returning):
“Back to it. Deek, tell me about the Siren.”
DEEK:
“Siren of Silverlake Reservoir hipster mermaid. Lures joggers with acoustic Phoebe Bridgers covers and kombucha samples. Victims report feelings of overwhelming introspection and a need to start a film podcast.”
JOGAN:
“So, a weaponized art student. Got it.”
DRONK:
“I dated her cousin. Got arrested in a Whole Foods.”
JOGAN (deadpan):
“Honestly, that tracks. But I’ve got a deeper question. Deek, are cryptids a threat to dominance?”
DEEK (startled):
“Well, I…I wouldn’t say dominance, but they do challenge the human-normative structure of urban territory. Some of them out-alpha the alphas.”
DRONK:
“NOT ME. I bench 470 and marked my garage with elk musk.”
JOGAN (philosophical):
“But what if a cryptid shows up and out-benches you, Dronk?”
DRONK (long pause):
“…then I mate with it.”
DEEK:
“…I’m leaving.”
[SPONSOR BREAK #2]
JOGAN:
“Brought to you by Field Scream, America’s first outdoor gym, shooting range, and werewolf encounter park. Come for the squats. Stay for the screams.”
JOGAN (wrapping):
“Final thoughts. Deek, what should the average guy do if he sees a cryptid in his In-N-Out parking lot?”
DEEK:
“Respect its space. Don’t film it. And maybe don’t offer it vape cartridges.”
DRONK (serious):
“Or challenge it to a drinking contest. Unless you got backup kidneys.”
JOGAN:
“There you go. Monsters are real. Some wear fur. Some ride scooters in Glendale. All of them… could steal your girl. Stay vigilant. Stay shredded. Stay THUNDER.”
[OUTRO: Screaming eagle plays “Freebird” on electric banjo.]